NOTE to parents or spouses of people with ADHD: telling us to buckle down or man up or just "work harder" or "focus" is not enough and not helpful; we just get used to consequences and hone our charm and manipulation to get around the straight route. We need hand-holding in some cases and in others, a taskmaster. We will show annoyance. We will resist and squirm and come up with excuses for not following up. We are wrong. The idea that we will somehow do things our own way (and even prove it sometimes with independent brilliance) is the result of our magical thinking. But our egos can be fragile, so don't treat us like children, we just need some help to do things that come so naturally to the rest of you.

If a child needs glasses, do you tell her "Just focus harder and learn to see better"? Do we say "If the other kids can do it, you can too if you just try harder--you need to train your eyes!"

Part of having ADHD is, yes, not being able to focus, and this does hamper success, but I have found, for me anyway, the biggest problem is being drawn away from unpleasant tasks by more interesting things, things that offer a greater, more immediate reward (for me this is connection with other people.) Impulse control. And how else can it be? The part of the brain that regulates what is important and what is not is NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY. And in that moment (I am thinking of school work or doing taxes) we believe we will catch up, do the task at a later time when we feel more motivated. And then, Poof, it's gone, out of our heads, sometimes forever.

I always wanted to do my best. It surprised me and my family to find out that I am in fact a perfectionist, and doing a less than dazzling job is distressing to me. I want to be outstanding in everything I do, and even though the net result is often flat lining, that magical thinking comes along again and believes that with a fresh start we can be dazzling again.