NOTE to parents or spouses of people with ADHD: telling us to buckle down or man up or just "work harder" or "focus" is not enough and not helpful; we just get used to consequences and hone our charm and manipulation to get around the straight route. We need hand-holding in some cases and in others, a taskmaster. We will show annoyance. We will resist and squirm and come up with excuses for not following up. We are wrong. The idea that we will somehow do things our own way (and even prove it sometimes with independent brilliance) is the result of our magical thinking. But our egos can be fragile, so don't treat us like children, we just need some help to do things that come so naturally to the rest of you.

If a child needs glasses, do you tell her "Just focus harder and learn to see better"? Do we say "If the other kids can do it, you can too if you just try harder--you need to train your eyes!"

Part of having ADHD is, yes, not being able to focus, and this does hamper success, but I have found, for me anyway, the biggest problem is being drawn away from unpleasant tasks by more interesting things, things that offer a greater, more immediate reward (for me this is connection with other people.) Impulse control. And how else can it be? The part of the brain that regulates what is important and what is not is NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY. And in that moment (I am thinking of school work or doing taxes) we believe we will catch up, do the task at a later time when we feel more motivated. And then, Poof, it's gone, out of our heads, sometimes forever.

I always wanted to do my best. It surprised me and my family to find out that I am in fact a perfectionist, and doing a less than dazzling job is distressing to me. I want to be outstanding in everything I do, and even though the net result is often flat lining, that magical thinking comes along again and believes that with a fresh start we can be dazzling again.

Let's Go: Purgatory! Insomnia's nightly journey to nowhere.

It really is a waiting room of sorts, only there is no one to make small talk with, unless I get online, and you aren't supposed to look at stimulating flickering screens.

I currently think of myself as an unpaid shift worker. It's why I took to motherhood so easily--I actually got more sleep once I had babies; their sleep schedule mimicked mine!

The tricks that I have learned to use to help me fall asleep (math problems, memorizing geographical names or periodic table) don't seem to work when I am suddenly awake for no reason at 3:00 or 4:00 am.

My recent diagnosis of moderate-to-severe ADHD now explains it; explains the hamster wheel that is my brain so at least I needn't feel like sleep is just one more thing I'm bad at, and I don't feel bad about now designing my life around my need for sleep, taking meds when needed and flipping the bird at people who think I just need to "get up earlier so you'll feel tired."  I'm already tired, and not nearly as cranky as I have a right to be! Instead, I have learned a few tricks, but they all take incredible discipline, something the ADD makes near impossible.

So instead of just indulging self-pity, I've decided to write about my challenges and reach out to other people who feel that their lives have been blindsided by brain wiring issues, including the sleep problem.  I want to talk about my insights into parenting (which requires structure and discipline and consistency, especially for my son who has a developmental problem of his own), depression, creativity, the modern world, as well as to document my adventures in going back to school at 40, all while using a brain that is being regulated by an air traffic controller who has fallen asleep in the job. Let's hope I can keep it up.